Our "Bunte" horoscope has never left us so perplexed. We were allowed to read this, like all other fish: "You are rarely seen so perplexed! You were sure that your request would be refused, but the opposite is true: they are happy to comply with it and even roll out the red carpet for you. That shows how much you are appreciated!" We are now under a certain pressure to act, because we should ask for something as soon as possible. But what's the point? A hefty salary increase to compensate for inflation? A heat pump? A red carpet?

Jörg Thomann

Editor in the "Life" section of the Frankfurter Allgemeine Sonntagszeitung.

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Andreas Guenther is already perfectly happy, because the actor introduces "Bunte" to his "new best friend": "my cordless, super cool vacuum cleaner". Guenther says: "In Vienna, I had spilled something in my hotel room and wanted to clean it up myself. They lent me such a part, and I was shocked in love. I didn't just vacuum my hotel room, I also vacuumed the hallway and the lobby."

Live at the housework

When Guenther started knocking on the other hotel rooms one after the other at night and asking if he could vacuum, he was kindly asked to check out and gave him the super cool thing – at least that's how we imagine the further development. Now Guenther sucks at home, which "Bunte" finds so fascinating that she advertises her in-house television show as follows: "Bunte live will soon show Andreas Guenther doing his housework (daily 18 p.m. on Sat.1)". In the long run, we don't imagine watching Guenther and his vacuum cleaner buddy day after day.

Til Schweiger has apparently acquired another best friend: namely, as "Bild" writes, "a little cuddly cuddle that becomes a giant". The grandmaster of German popular cinema and elaborate social criticism had been accused of not always being cuddly on the set of his films, whereupon he withdrew to Mallorca; there, according to "Bild", he has now acquired a puppy named Edgar. This Turkish shepherd dog weighs up to 80 kilograms and is "aloof, suspicious of strangers. Does not hesitate to defend his family. The bite surpasses the strength of a lion." Further critical articles about Edgar's master are hardly to be expected in the medium term.

The Princess of Monaco still doesn't please everyone, which is why "Das neue Blatt" muses about the former competitive athlete: "If Charlène (45) had swallowed in milk instead of water, she would have made butter out of it in no time. That's how hard she struggles every day to do a good job – as a mother and as a princess." Thank you also, "Neues Blatt", for putting this image in our heads: the desperate Charlène in a swimsuit, who tries to get out of a full pool of butter but keeps slipping.

My child's name is Holstein-Schwarzbunt

If you want to do a good job as a parent, you should first give the child a melodious name. About Nils and Denise, who met at "Bauer sucht Frau", "Das Neue" writes that they are now "engaged and proud parents of their daughter Jersey (7 months), named after the couple's favorite cow breed". We wish the three of them a nice time together and that over the years there may be a few more siblings for whom beautiful names like Angus, Wagyu, Longhorn and Holstein-Schwarzbunt are still available.

Meanwhile, it is only after a year that the name of a celebrity's child comes out. "Bild" reports: "According to the birth certificate, which is available to the 'Daily Mail', Rihanna's son is number one: RZA Athelston Mayers. A little tongue twister. The name is said to be dedicated to producer and rapper RZA, founder of the hip-hop group Wu-Tang Clan. Athelston is Papa A$AP Rocky's middle name, Mayers is the artist's real last name." Unlike his father's name, RZA Athelston does not contain any special characters; if A$AP Rocky has to fill out any documents online, he is always likely to go half-insane – although he probably employs trained personnel for such tasks.

The victim, actor Tim Wilde, is actively involved in another media revelation: "During our interview," writes "Bunte," he "nervously opens the letter" with the result of the test, which is supposed to reveal his biological age. Wilde is 57, but considers himself "in his mid-30s" and is consequently shocked by the result: "My biological age is 58!" Next, "Bunte" will certainly report live from the opening of wills as well as pregnancy and paternity tests.

Wilde, in any case, wants to eat less fast food from now on and has obtained a second opinion from his family doctor: "My doctor says I'm fit as a sneaker, about like a 45-year-old." Let's hope for Wilde that he got this right: Not that the doctor was actually talking about a 45-year-old sneaker.