They are everywhere. It does not matter the sex, age or stage of the relationship in which they are. They are known as asymmetrical pairs, a very graphic name for a phenomenon that is usually seen in the league.

"It is more common in relationships than we think and can even occur in different types of affective bonds. It can occur in heterosexual couples, in homosexual couples; in couples of people aged 20, 30 and 40 years; in couples with substantial age differences; in mature couples... Sometimes, it appears from the beginning of a relationship, but it is something that is usually marked with the passage of time. That is to say that, for different reasons and with different circumstances, this asymmetry can always manifest itself, "explains Sebastián Girona, a psychologist specialized in links.

We speak of an asymmetrical couple when "the power that circulates within the bond is distributed unequally and, therefore, one of the two parties has much more than the other. One of the two members has more rights and fewer obligations and the other, by extension, more obligations and fewer rights."

This 'distribution' means that "a logic of hierarchies is established; It ends up having a boss who is above and an employee who is below." And, of course, "the boss commands and makes all the decisions: we go on vacation where the boss wants, we paint the walls of the house according to what the boss likes, and so on."

The thing, of course, looks pretty bad, but is this always the case? Are the roles interchangeable? Girona takes us out of doubt. "In a couple that is a real couple, the gap that is generated is much shorter, much smaller and, there, one of the two can be up at a certain time and, the one that is down, be up after a while. When the gap is very long and there is a lot of distance between the one at the top and the one below, it is very difficult to exchange roles, because, in general, another symptom of this type of couple is fixed and static roles that either cannot be changed or cost a lot. In these cases, each one performs certain tasks within the relationship and there is usually a lot of resistance if either of the two wants to modify that distribution. "

The vast majority of the time, continues this psychologist, "this imbalance manifests itself little by little to settle silently within the bond." However, "there are couples who can establish this type of relationship from the beginning and that, with the passage of time, things get worse. And, in those cases, obviously, it will be more complicated to amend the situation."

According to Sebastián Girona, this imbalance favors that "one of the two is the one who proposes and decides while the other is limited to abide and accompany in all spheres of the relationship, both in the simplest daily decisions, with in the most transcendental, through sexual relations".

"Surely, one day, the employee has to rebel! It's healthy for the relationship. With a very unequal distribution of the couple, the bond cannot be sustained over time. If he rebels, he will be able to propose a renegotiation of the couple's contract, a revision and a modification of certain clauses of the couple's contract. A couple in crisis is nothing more than a couple renegotiating and revising their contract; his unspoken contract, his unconscious contract within the bond."

How do 'bosses' usually deal with the employee 'revolting'? "The 'modification proposal' is presented by the employee and the boss, who is comfortable and who is having a good time because it does not present many difficulties, he will look at it a little sideways. At first, there will always be resistance. No one who is above is going to receive the request for contract review and will be happy, especially because they are usually very rigid people who find it difficult to assume the changes and, in some way, they want to continue as they were until that moment. "

In his opinion, "it is important that every couple who wants to sustain themselves over time, sooner or later, renegotiate 'their contract' and review their clauses to adapt them to the changes experienced over time. It is inevitable that, over the years, we will evolve as people and change our priorities. Far from having a negative connotation, we have to see it as something positive."

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  • Couple relationships
  • Sex